On Beginning 8th Grade

You're not really an adult until you realize that the only person you can change in a relationship is yourself. No matter how much you have "gotten people to fall in love with you," no matter who you have gotten to hire you, no matter how much influence you think you have over other people, in the end that's a false narrative and the only person you have control over is yourself.

Maybe some people learn this early but I have to say I did not understand it until I got divorced from my first marriage. And as great as it may be to think that someone is out there to love you enough to make things better all the time, it's infinitely better to rely upon yourself. It's a mantra I remember every day, and I think it makes me a better person (and a better wife, friend, etc.)

(Honestly it's a version of that "Comes the Dawn" poem one reads in high school and thinks "Well that's depressing." Until you become old enough to realize it's actually empowering.)

But somehow all those things you have learned about yourself can go out the window when you become a parent. Suddenly, this kid is utterly reliant on you for everything, for the very food they eat. And even as they grow, you spend a lot of their early education fighting that same fight — making sure they have what they need, the opportunities they need, that they have time with friends and do their homework and the like (and again, that they eat). 

But there comes a time when you need to recognize that they too need to come to rely upon themselves.

That's an equally hard habit to break. And now that my daughter is starting 8th grade, one that I need to. Her school has spent the last two years instilling habit teaching them to be responsible for their own educational success, but there is still so much that I want to ensure happiness for her. When really I need to take a step back.

She's strong and independent, and as much as I may want to make everything happen for her, she needs to do it herself.