Losing Me (Finding Me?)

For my whole life, until last year, I was a daughter. I'm sure many/most of you can relate. You're someone's child — until you are not, and suddenly, that's an enormous change to get used to.

Today, we spent much of the day finishing cleaning out my dad's house. It's been a lot of (hard) work. But I also don't want to end. Because sometime, very soon, we'll have to put that house on the market. My dad has owned that house since soon after my parents' divorce, almost 50 years, and letting that go will be losing another part of me.

Beatrix has started at SPA. She loves it. I love it for her. Yet losing that part of me the is a SPPS parent is unexpectedly difficult. I've fought, so much and for so many year, for SPPS. Today I even rotated off the Facebook admin duties for Randolph Heights. I'm having a really hard time with losing that part of my identity.

There have been a lot of preservation fails in Saint Paul lately — we're losing buildings right and left. We're about to lose the 1884 house two down for us, and no matter what I do, I cannot seem to find a way to save it. I worry we are losing the infrastructure of our community.

I talked to a friend at an event tonight about all this — that I seem to be losing all the pieces of what has made me me over the years. Of course the hope always is that that makes room for the new — some kind of fabulous version of me. But what if it doesn't? What if all these parts of me that I am losing leave a bigger and bigger hole until I'm nothing at all?


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