End of 2018

As I look back, 2018 has been, above all, a year of unexpected loss.

I did not expect to take my dad's death as badly as I did. But the speed and intensity of it (less than 6 weeks from the diagnosis to his passing), and the suffering he went through, made it especially hard. I didn't expect to lose my friend Leah, but maybe that's because I chose to share her hope that it would all work out, and I don't know that that was the wrong choice.

But there were a lot of other, smaller losses scattered through the year. A loss of hope for our country, every single day. Loss of client relationships. Shifting friendships. My weird arm condition (Parsonage-Turner syndrome) returning. Things I meant to or wanted to get done (be more creative, read more books, exercise more, trips I wanted to take, spend more time with my family) that did not happen — my New Years Resolutions are a shambles.

Losing the things at my dad's, even though I have no use for them. Having to have his tenant (L, who had a close relationship with and is sort of like an extra grandparent to BB) move out.

I'm not even making it to yoga today. :(

The other day, as I cleaned out my browser bookmarks, I even mourned the loss of blogs I used to follow that had just...ceased...

Even cleaning out old clothes (of which I clearly have too many, I am by no means a minimalist) bites hard.

I've got to admit that this is leaving me very sad and reflective as 2018 winds down. I would like to have more hope for the future. But on a cold, bright, icy day, right now I'm just kind of sinking in the loss.

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