"Well, that's not MY experience..."
Recently, I got into quite a heated email discussion with a good acquaintance, a slightly older man I had previously sat on a board with. He had emailed several of us asking us to sign some petition about boycotting the NFL because players were taking a knee. His argument was that it was not a political stance he was taking, that the flag CLEARLY represented all of us ("it's generic"), and that we all had the same rights and responsibilities with regards to it.
I did not spend intellectual time arguing the fact that NFL players standing on the field for the anthem is a relatively recent phenomenon, or any other similar fact-based arguments. His was an emotional statement, and those would not seemed pertinent to him. And really, it does not matter that the conversation about NFL players or cat food.
What I DID argue was that in America, he had every right to his opinion — and also so did I, and our opinions were different. He kept on it for a bit, until I finally said we just needed to agree to disagree. He seemed to have a hard time letting that go.
In this case, as in so many others, I could just not get through to this person that he had one view based on his set of experiences, and I had one based on mine, and that our experiences were different, but that neither set of these invalidated the other person's argument or history.
I simply don't understand how we have gotten to this point, where we have to pick statements that are "right" and that, if something is different, that it must be automatically wrong. I've always thought diversity in opinion was a good thing. It's certainly a competitive advantage in business, where if you only made a product or performed a service for a small set of identical people you would certainly go out of business quickly.
I don't expect other people to completely understand my experiences. They are mine for a reason. No two people are exactly the same, so even if I had an identical twin and we did everything together, our lives would still be different. But I do expect people to listen to them, and not to invalidate them, and to have enough respect for ME that they believe I must have the values I have for a reason and that yes, I have thought them through.
You never appear smarter, or even stronger, by didactically insisting your own point. You end up seeming like an overwrought toddler (and believe me, I have experience with that). Want to gain the upper hand in a situation? Simply listen.
I did not spend intellectual time arguing the fact that NFL players standing on the field for the anthem is a relatively recent phenomenon, or any other similar fact-based arguments. His was an emotional statement, and those would not seemed pertinent to him. And really, it does not matter that the conversation about NFL players or cat food.
What I DID argue was that in America, he had every right to his opinion — and also so did I, and our opinions were different. He kept on it for a bit, until I finally said we just needed to agree to disagree. He seemed to have a hard time letting that go.
In this case, as in so many others, I could just not get through to this person that he had one view based on his set of experiences, and I had one based on mine, and that our experiences were different, but that neither set of these invalidated the other person's argument or history.
I simply don't understand how we have gotten to this point, where we have to pick statements that are "right" and that, if something is different, that it must be automatically wrong. I've always thought diversity in opinion was a good thing. It's certainly a competitive advantage in business, where if you only made a product or performed a service for a small set of identical people you would certainly go out of business quickly.
I don't expect other people to completely understand my experiences. They are mine for a reason. No two people are exactly the same, so even if I had an identical twin and we did everything together, our lives would still be different. But I do expect people to listen to them, and not to invalidate them, and to have enough respect for ME that they believe I must have the values I have for a reason and that yes, I have thought them through.
You never appear smarter, or even stronger, by didactically insisting your own point. You end up seeming like an overwrought toddler (and believe me, I have experience with that). Want to gain the upper hand in a situation? Simply listen.
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