Making Sense and Moving Forward

Today was supposed to be "Learning Wednesday" — after the morning at a client, I would spend some time gaining some self-directed professional development (maybe even at a coffee shop, now that I am vaccinated), and thencatch up on a few work projects that took some intensive time and thought.

But I am finding myself really scattered after the verdict yesterday. Like pretty much everyone else I know, I feel relieved, but in an odd way. As I wrote yesterday:

I wanted to believe that hours of thoughtful testimony were worth more than cookie analogies and a straw man of "carbon monoxide poisoning." I wanted to believe that the bravery of a young girl filming with her phone was worth more than the cowardice of a racist murderer. I wanted to believe that a group of 12 Minnesotans could stand up and say "enough."

But I couldn't even dare to believe that until a couple of hours ago. And I still don't even know how to process it all.

It's an odd feeling. It's great relief, with a side of sobering knowledge about how much remains to be done. It's "justice," sure, but true justice would mean that this had never happened in the first place. It's not celebratory, but it's...I don't know...hope maybe?

Last night and today, I worked quietly with a few clients to make social media statements and to begin to think about how their strategic planning and other workplaces can take into account a greater focus on social justice and equity. They are just the beginning of conversations.

So, when I sat down today to handle some other tasks, I honestly could not actually focus on bank reconciliations and cashflows and other activities My mind is going a thousand miles an hour on how we move together and change the future, and how to even begin that at a time when covid still rages and our social and political issues are even heavier than ever. I'm not feeling 100% up to it, but I am also not sure I have a choice.

So instead I took on another delayed task and cleaned my office area, tackling an incredible amount of filing and organization. It felt like all I can do today. I hope it gives me the clarity to move forward. I hope that you move forward with me. I hope that we can do this. Because we don't have a choice.